Monday, October 22, 2007

Cows and Capitalism


Economic Models explained with Cows - 2007 update

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

That's the theory anyway.

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
No one bothers to milk the cow because you have to give away all the milk.
You wait in line for free milk.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
You denounce your mother for drinking more than her share.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
You denounce your kids for drinking more than their share.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
Your friends turn away when you are denounced by your neighbours
The State takes both and shoots you.
Everyone claims ignornace that you or any cows existed after the government changes.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away. Studies are conducted regarding milk production.
A minister for cows is appointed.
PC Capitalism
Farmers are accused of bruising the psyche of the two cows.
Assertiveness training leads to one of the cows taking up yoga.
The other cow announces she is going to the big city to find herself.
The farmer is very, very sorry but is banned from working again.
Bovine rights dominate the election.
The war in Iraq drags on.
No milk gets produced.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The milk tastes slightly odd but makes for delicious ICE CREAM.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
Milk is exported at $0.10 a gallon.
Suddenly everyone outsources milk production to you.
Milk found to contain lead.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
The report is clear that the Chinese have something to do with it.
Sanctions on imported milk follow.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option n one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
You leave on your jet and watch the farm burning below.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.

EU Capitalism
The two cows are cut up and distributed to France and Germany.
The Central Bank buys milk from Poland and dumps it into Africa.
The UK decides to keep the £.
Nothing changes.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
The EU bans your milk.
You decide to keep the £ and go on holiday to the US because the $ is in the toilet.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
The government buys you another cow.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. Citing vital national interests surrounding milk, Putin declares the cows property of the Russian state, puts you in jail for tax evasion and announces his perpetual rule.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade our country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks kinda cute.


I'm sure you guys have seen this before, but I hope it raised a smile.
T

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Makes politics so simple!! when it comes down to Cows ,should be taught in schools :)

Lucia Falcão said...

Hilário, mas a empresa francesa é fantástica!