Thursday, March 04, 2010

Happy Birthday Jess

Its my little girl's birthday today.
She's 10.
Time is flying by and she's getting bigger and older and is such a little lady now.
I can't even begin to tell you how my heart swells when I first catch sight of her when I pick her up...I'm usually shivering outside a train station, or standing with a foot to foot nervousness where ever the whim of her mum dictates I MUST be after landing at Heathrow at 6 am that morning.
That's not really fair.
That's just my heartbreak talking.
My ex wife is a good mum though not really of the mind that I should still be an irritant on the scene.
My kid is a happy and secure little person and I'm thankful in my heart for that.
I tried and tried and tried, but didn't get through to her today.
My mom managed to talk to her and I got a series of emails from her relating singing happy birthday to her down the phone and reports that my sister got through and managed to chat.
I had no luck and gave up when it was clear the time difference had pushed things past her bedtime.
I've found this year particularly tough though truth be known I've spent many a birthday in the UK and was unwelcome/not invited/ and sat home depressed and forlorn, missing her to the point that it felt like I had a physical pain in my heart.
My heart is breaking but I know this will pass.
One day she may read this and know that I've never stopped loving her nor has she ever been far from my thoughts.
This blog has been "discovered" by half my office and I suppose a confessional isn't the most sensible of posts but baring in mind the importance of this day to me, I'll bare my soul.
It is what it is.
I'm hoping to see her soon and perhaps holding her little hand as we walk down the streets in London will reconnect us.
I just feel very far away from her tonight.
That isn't a good thing.
When she was born I remember standing in the operating room, standing transfixed by her.
I fell so deeply in love with this little soul, eyes wide, nestled in my hands, so small so vulnerable.
I fell utterly and completely in love with her.
If there is a god, he reached down and flicked a switch in my head and I've never been the same since.
A fundamental shift in perspective.
I was let in on the big secret that love is the most powerful thing that we are capable of.
It was (and is) the best feeling in the world.
Happy Birthday sweet girl and know your daddy loves you.
Today my little girl celebrated her first decade of life with someone else she calls daddy and ate her cake and blew out her candles.
And I wasn't there.
That makes me fell broken inside.
That makes me feel like I'm not a real dad in any sense of the word.
That makes me feel sad.
Stay well everyone.


Anonymous said...

It will get easier as she gets older. Sure Jess knows just how much you love her. Hope you get to talk tomorrow and see your darling girl soon.


Anonymous said...

Such strong and powerful words, I cannot imagine your sadness. Life makes us take such difficult decisions. I face a similar path and can only hope that I will show the same courage and strength.

Anonymous said...

whoa. really sad story, man. i hope you can find solace knowing your little girl is going to always love you.

Anonymous said...

Bloody dreadful situation, but, moving on, there is birthday present purchasing to be done:

5* The collection packs of mini-perfumes that they sell on airplanes (Dior?): LOVED by the under 12's

5* clothing, they choose, not you.

4* Make-up, depends on your parental pinch point on this, but the tiddlers adore it, especially the multi-product kits sold, again, on airplanes.

Ipod music downloads
Ipod blingy ipod covers
Blingy mobile phone covers/charms,

Superdrug sell mini lip gloss mobile charms, the sine qua non for my god-daughters. Go figure?

5 to 3* Classic fiction, you know the stuff we read as kids, any and all in book form, strangely enough

5**: Tickets to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D, if not already seen.

3* British Museum's History of the World in 100 objects, Ok. I'd like to see that and they have a great restaurant. And stuff, lots of interesting stuff.

Also 2* - 4* beading kits for jewellery/knitting kits/sewing kits: John Lewis haberdashery, if it's still called that.


Anonymous said...

Life is full of imperfections and lucky for you, Jess is not one of them. You are imperfectly perfect. When she is old enough and smart enough (and she may be now) she will see the unconditional love and return it. I'm sure she sees it now. Don't be so self absorbed. You are not the only person who lives this life. Make the best of your choices.

Anonymous said...

You will always be MY dad, I love you so much, more then you can imagine and I miss you all the time. You are one of the MOST IMPORTANT people in my life and I miss you so very much. I find myself counting down the days till Sunday when I get your call and when I do it makes me feel really happy. You are my dad and you alway will be. Don't EVER forget that. I will always ALWAYS love you