Time is flying by and she's getting bigger and older and is such a little lady now.
I can't even begin to tell you how my heart swells when I first catch sight of her when I pick her up...I'm usually shivering outside a train station, or standing with a foot to foot nervousness where ever the whim of her mum dictates I MUST be after landing at Heathrow at 6 am that morning.
That's not really fair.
That's just my heartbreak talking.
My ex wife is a good mum though not really of the mind that I should still be an irritant on the scene.
My kid is a happy and secure little person and I'm thankful in my heart for that.
I tried and tried and tried, but didn't get through to her today.
My mom managed to talk to her and I got a series of emails from her relating singing happy birthday to her down the phone and reports that my sister got through and managed to chat.
I had no luck and gave up when it was clear the time difference had pushed things past her bedtime.
I've found this year particularly tough though truth be known I've spent many a birthday in the UK and was unwelcome/not invited/ and sat home depressed and forlorn, missing her to the point that it felt like I had a physical pain in my heart.
My heart is breaking but I know this will pass.
One day she may read this and know that I've never stopped loving her nor has she ever been far from my thoughts.
This blog has been "discovered" by half my office and I suppose a confessional isn't the most sensible of posts but baring in mind the importance of this day to me, I'll bare my soul.
It is what it is.
I'm hoping to see her soon and perhaps holding her little hand as we walk down the streets in London will reconnect us.
I just feel very far away from her tonight.
That isn't a good thing.
When she was born I remember standing in the operating room, standing transfixed by her.
I fell so deeply in love with this little soul, eyes wide, nestled in my hands, so small so vulnerable.
I fell utterly and completely in love with her.
If there is a god, he reached down and flicked a switch in my head and I've never been the same since.
A fundamental shift in perspective.
I was let in on the big secret that love is the most powerful thing that we are capable of.
It was (and is) the best feeling in the world.
Happy Birthday sweet girl and know your daddy loves you.
Today my little girl celebrated her first decade of life with someone else she calls daddy and ate her cake and blew out her candles.
And I wasn't there.
That makes me fell broken inside.
That makes me feel like I'm not a real dad in any sense of the word.
That makes me feel sad.
Stay well everyone.