Friday, September 05, 2008

The wind up doll is out of batteries

I have to say that I've hit a wall.
Its made of brick and I can't seem to make a dent in it.
I see my kid tomorrow but am terrified that I might sleep through the alarm so I bought a crappy back up wind up alarm clock at TESCO and keep looking at it to be sure it'll do what it's supposed to do.
Wake up....
Check the alarm.
Check the clock.
"Shit it's only 10"
No food in the house
No time it seems to be awake or asleep.
The ceiling is receding into the darkness no matter how hard I stare at it to see some sort of detail.
I've retreated into the realm of the clumsy high school metaphors.
It's all so angst ridden and yet, oh so poignant,
I'm more exhausted than I thought.
Shattered even.
Problem is I can't sleep.
But I must. .
Otherwise I risk disappointing an 8 year old full of news of her new school waiting for me at her living room window.
It's one of those scenes that always grabs me by the scruff of the neck and tells me that deep inside I'm not as cynical as I believe myself to be.
My little golden haired girl waiting at the window .
How can work, or the debris of wherever I happen to be compete with that?
It can't.
Somehow, when I'm not really paying attention it does.
More often than not.
I have to work on that though I don't really know how.
It feels like a struggle just to do my best and not feel guilty about everything sometimes.
I know none of this is a contest.The marathon will drone on and on without end.
Little dramas tend to lose their significance as the dots in the picture give you a pattern when you pan out.
The cliches are running thick and fast as this diatribe rolls on.
I told you I was tired.
She misses her daddy and I know that means something, though if I don't come through and keep up my end of the bargain, it's a crap yell in the dark on my part.
A victory of points scoring over my ex-wife rather than giving my kid what she needs.
I just don't fulfil my end as much as I want to sometimes.
The will is there, but the character is lacking .
Maybe that's the truth.
Or maybe I'm retreating into a bit of self indulgent, self pity.
Veteran visitors to this blog can be forgiven for being annoyed at this theme of self flagellation.
You've seen it before and it gets old after the umpteenth viewing.
It gets old in the telling.

Its time to force shut eyes to sleep.
Another automated ciggie smoked , half finished and bashed out untasted to join the rest of the collection piled up and stinking in a cheap coffee cup .
" Alone here in the kitchen,
I feel there's something missing
I 'd beg for some forgiveness,
but beggin's not my business
And she' won't write a letter.
although I'd always tell her,
And so it's my my assumption
Turn up the sound.
It used to be my theme song 6 or so years ago...............
God when I start posting music lyrics I really am tired........
Love to all.


Anonymous said...

*hug* will all seem better after you've seen Miss mini T. Take care. Life just doesn't get any easier does it? But then again why should it. Trhw

sarah_500 said...

All that matters is that your daughter knows you, knows that you care and will always be there for her. I get the impression that she is fully aware of all those things.

In complete contrast I am spending far too much time and effort trying to convince my ex that he needs to see his daughter. I may have to direct him to your blog to show him what busy really means!

Chris Wren said...

I don't know how you do it Terry. I did two weeks of multiple 6-hour long bus trips, more taxi rides than I can count, and two plane rides of 3 hours each way. My back is basically ruined after that, and it tired me out. If I tried to keep your schedule, I don't think I'd last a week!

Anonymous said...

Well said Sarah_500. I think the pics in the following post say it all. A little girl overjoyed to see her daddy and daddy perked up immensely.

Don't flog yourself Sarah_500, if your ex wants to miss out on his daughter growing up, that's his mistake, which he will probably regret in time. All you can do is leave the door open for when (if) he sorts out his crappy attitude. Some Men. Grr.


Anonymous said...

Can’t think of any comments(to the point of silliness)to make about your blog today, so how about the following James Bond joke instead to lift your moody;

A rather confident 007 strolled into a bar and took a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment. Noticing his actions, the woman next to him asked,
"Is your date running late?"
"No," he replied,
"Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
Intrigued by his words the woman replied,
"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"Well you see," said Bond,
"it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."
"I see," said the woman,
" and what's it telling you now?"
"It says you're not wearing any knickers..." came the reply.
The woman giggled and replied,
"Well it must be broken because I'm afraid I'm wearing knickers!"
007 tutted, tapped his watch and said,
"Damn thing must be an hour fast!".